Friday, April 29, 2011

Pete Orr & DL Smooth

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood
Pete Orr & DL Smooth

-Phightans terrorized the west coast like NWA!!!
-LOLZ @ walking Rollins to get to Howard.
-A*Rod hit a grandslam…he must be using Jeter’s pee again.
-Are CBP tix good at CBP West (in San Diego)?
-4 days til the Beastie Boys’ Hot Sauce Committee 2 hmmmmm..….drops!
-I told ya to get Orr in the mix.
-Polanco to cleanup….Polanco to cleanup.
-Hamels could grow a ZZ Top beard and he’d still look like a backup dancer for Lady Gaga.
-I’m pissed no one has asked me for nude pix yet.
-shout out to Mike Leake for the new kicks he got the ‘Bunts staff, but the dumb cashier forgot to take off the security tags.
-F’ Lehigh….Utley to LF & bat 9th!!!  Tell me where I’m wrong!
-the new ‘Bunts swag is sexy!
-Victorino flew thru Petco Park quicker than Taco Bell inside the bowels of the Wriz.
-Cholly took out Halladay and the cock crowed thrice (thanks Jen).
-I actually felt bad for the Padres…no real a-holes on that team like the Rockies.
-“CJ Hood was right.” -Wriz
-There were more people at my mom's Easter dinner than at Chase Field.
-Ibanez couldn’t hit a beach ball with a Big Bopper fat bat.
-The fans concerned over the number of Halladay's pitches still use MySpace.
-Contreras will be missed, but we got Bastardo.  That’s like breaking up with Apollonia to go out with Sheila E… bro!
-Oswalt's family > baseball
-I wasn't sweating the injuries ‘til Chooch got hurt!
-Ole King Cole was an ace in the hole, and an ace in the hole was he.
-Danny Watkins is a class act.
-The Phil's bats are like priests...they only work once a week.
-The Fish are swimming up North!
-time for Amaro to hit the Met's yardsale.  
-When is Ricky Bo not pissed?
-I friended the 'rally towel' on facebook.
-I'd take Adams, Jefferson, Franklin, Hancock & Madison over Brand, Hawes, Holiday, Iguodala & Meeks.
-not a hockey fan, but I do like saying Boucher bka Boo-shay!
-Dei Lynam...would ja?
-Republicans are now doubting Obama's black....Trump already challenged him to a rap contest.
-now Blanton’s on the DL…he choked on a ham sandwich.
-the only wedding I’ve ever watched on tv was between Uncle Elmer & Joyce on Saturday Night’s Main Event.
-we got the Mets this weekend…..let’s get bunted!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Diamond Girl: Thursday????? Edition.

Hello Bunts Phaitful J
Happy Tuesday! Oh, wait. It Thursday, isn’t it???  (Blush)

My apologies for not posting my highly coveted weekly ramblings about our beloved Phillies on my usual Tuesday spot. I promise I will not ever let you down again (however, I can’t promise that my laptop wont let ME down again, but you can take that up with Hewlett Packard should it happen again).
Anyway, what’s crack-a-lackin? I’ll tell you what’s NOT… our bats. “Oh DiamondGirl,” I hear you say. “On Wednesday, the Phils had 8 runs. Shane and J-Roll each had a home run (their 4th and 1st respectively). There’s not much of an issue with the bats. We’re OK; we have R2C2 that will get us through the year juuuuuuust fine.”

Oh, really?

Look peeps. I too am nothing but awestruck by the starting pitching rotation (minus Big Joe… but I’m not giving up hope on Blanton yet!). But like I noted earlier this season via this very amazing blog – our pitching will only get us so far, especially as we get into the late summer months when teams are DYING to get a playoff/wildcard position.
I am told over and over not to worry. And I’m not losing any sleep over it frankly. However, I AM losing the opportunity to talk about something OTHER than pitching. Should I rag on Howard who obviously hasn’t learned his lesson on swinging on pretty much everything? Lame and pointless. Shall I whine and complain about Chase still out with no timeframe for his return (Ok, I do DO that, but I won’t bore my readers with my stalking)? Nuh uh. Ohhhh wait, I heard a rumor about Mrs. Madson sh*t talking on Philadelphia fans, have you? Probably, and I’m sure you don’t care.

My point here is this: in an effort to bring to you relevant, interesting Phillies conversation… something NEW has to happen. We can talk about how Doc is a beast until the cows come home (and feign shock when he has an off night). We can wear our hearts on our sleeve for Clifton Phifer during each of his starts (who threw a pretty damn good game Monday night despite the loss against the Diamondbacks, with Ian Kennedy pitching a complete shut out) but come on already. This was supposed to be a storybook season. “It’s still early!” Don’t worry, I hear you loud and clear friends. While the Fightins are currently 16-8 (and I am in no way displeased with their 1st place position I must add), if these bats don’t wake up, I think this season could become another chapter in the well known story of Philly sports “woulda/coulda/shoulda’s”. (I have never once wanted to be so wrong in my life).
Roy Oswalt unexpectedly left the Phillies this afternoon (after a pretty sh*tty start against Arizona Tuesday night) to be with his family after severe storms with damaging tornados came through his Mississippi town. I’m sure I speak on behalf of the Bunts phaithful in hoping that Roy, his family and his community are safe. Hurry back soon Roy!

Looks like Dom Brown is about to start a rehab assignment. Thoughts? Does it even matter?

Chooch left Wednesday afternoon’s game against the D-backs with back soreness.
Jose Contreras is on the DL; looking at a return in 3-4 weeks.

Thanks for stopping by! Have a great week.

-xo, DiamondGirl215
 Let me know what YOU think! Email me at

Monday, April 25, 2011

Kornhole Goes East!

Kornhole’s Alley

Welcome to the inner area’s of my Kornhole!!! This week we will discuss our favorite past time and the team that represents that pastime. The Philadelphia Phillies!

As we close in on the first month of the season there’s been quite a few shockers thus far. Let’s start with the Florida Marlins. The Marlins find themselves hanging around in the NL East. They have a solid young nucleus to build around and those players are starting to come around.

The Marlins are led by their ace Josh Johnson. Josh has continued his 2010 dominance in the early going. As of this writing, Josh has 3 wins, 33 K’s and carrying an ERA of 1.06.

The rest of this staff has been decent. Friday night, Anibal Sanchez had a no-no going into the ninth against Colorado. Anibal dominated a very good hitting Rockies team.

Edward Mujica has an ERA of 3.52 which is the highest of the pen. That’s not too shabby. The young Marlins can hang around throughout the summer if the pen keeps pitching the way they do.

The Washington Nationals are an up and coming team. The Nat’s spent the extra cash they have on Jayson Werth. Werth may not put up Pujols numbers but his signing meant as much to the Nats as Jim Thome did to the Phillies.

The Nats find themselves hanging around .500 and I expect them to lose more than they win, like the Marlins they aren’t ready yet. As the team waits for Steven Strasburg to come back, they have another young pitcher who they can count on in Jordan Zimmerman. Jordan isn’t an ace but he can be a solid 2 or 3 and his ERA in the first month has shown that. Their ace thus far has been Livan Hernandez. His ERA will not remain under 3 as the season progresses and that will obviously hurt the team going forward.

I like their young nucleus. Ryan Zimmerman with some more protection around him can be more of a force to recon with. Jayson Werth will hit better than .209 but I don’t expect him to ever reach the numbers he had in Philadelphia.

The Atlanta Braves have struggled out of the gate. This isn’t surprising to me. I didn’t think they were a good team. There is still plenty of time to prove me wrong but I feel the Braves were a bit overrated and felt the loss of Bobby Cox would have an effect. So far, I am correct but we are only one month into the season.

The Braves are solid offensively. Brian McCann is a stud and a Phillies killer. Chipper Jones hasn’t turned into Larry yet. He decided to stick around another year and so far he’s been the RBI leader.

The Braves can turn this around with pitching. Tommy Hanson anchors this staff that has veterans Derek Lowe and Tim Hudson. I know Hudson is considered the ace but I think Hanson will have a breakout year. Will it be enough? I don’t think so. I think the Braves are a .500 team and will be exposed this season.

The worst team in the division and maybe the entire National League is the New York Mets. The Mets have never found a Double Header they could win. They have a four game winning streak as of this writing but that’s nothing more than a mirage and a series against the Diamondbacks.

Appearently, Douchebags travel in pairs
The Mets need to dump everything and build around David Wright. The culture surrounding that team may be worse than any team in baseball. Since 2007 when the Phillies made an improbable comeback, the Mets have been on an ugly decline.

The pitching staff is terrible. Johan will be back shortly and that should help things but things are pretty bad when the lowest ERA on the team belongs to a guy who boasts a 4.10!

So that’s my breakdown of the Division thus far. It’s April and things can and will change. The Red Sox won’t be in last place all year and Cole Hamels won’t have two hits again this season.

It’s baseball, it’s the end of April and I still love this sport and this team during this time of the year as I do and will in October when we are celebrating our third World Series.


The Phils have embarked on their first west coast trip of the season. The trip takes them to San Diego and Arizona before wrapping up the week/month at home this weekend against the Mets.

I see Lee following Doc’s performance and shutting down the D-backs to begin the week. I expect the same from Little Roy before Cole staggers a bit. I think the Phils take 2 of 3 from both the D-backs and the Mets. That’s 4-2 and I’ll take that all year long.


It’s an honest question. I think Doc is a robot. Doc thinks he’s a robot. Charlie thinks Doc’s a robot. Is he? Last season Doc threw more pitches than he had at any point in his career. Though Doc won the Cy Young and deservedly so, he looked tired at times down the stretch last season.

I am not saying that Doc can’t handle the work load. I am an old school guy and hate situational relief pitching and I really hate pitch counts. But, Doc didn’t look good against the Brewers last week and that’s coming off an outing where he threw over 120 pitches.

I think it had more to do with having a bad game than being tired, but it is a valid point. Sunday Doc threw 130 pitches. I am anticipating his start against the Mets to see how he reacts after throwing 130 pitches.


I know you’re thinking it. If not, I will bring it to your attention. Jose Contreras has been a shut down closer. I am not paranoid when he is in the game. I am not waiting for this guy to melt down because he gave up a base runner.

I love what Lidge did for this team in 2008, but its 2011 and I think until Contreras actually loses the job he should remain in the closers role.

I know this may hurt Brad’s feelings but he needs to do what’s best for this team. What’s best right now is a closer who gets the job done night after night.

If/when Contreras comes back down to earth then we can discuss moving him back to the 7th inning.

Lucky for Charlie, the team has a few weeks to plan this. It is a luxury to have two guys who can close games.

I wrote this before Jose was put on the 15 day DL. I will come back to this topic in a couple weeks when he returns to the team. I guess it’s safe to say Ryan Madson is our closer for the next few weeks.

I like Ryan in the 8th, but he is our closer in 2012 so it’s good to see him close some games now when it’s still early.


The Lineup will be shuffled often this season. I’d like Charlie to take a look at Chase in the 2 hole. I have expressed many times this year that I’d like to see Rollins bat fifth.

A solid lineup that keeps pitching matchups fair would be as follows.

  1. Victorino
  2. Utley
  3. Polly
  4. Howard
  5. Rollins
  6. Francisco
  7. Ibanez
  8. Chooch

Obviously, the team can toy with the 6 and 7 spot based on pitching matchups but I think with the addition of Utley in a few weeks this team will score again, but it’s important to keep Chase and Ryan separated.

Thanks for reading this week. Feel free to email me at

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Offense? We Don't need no Stinkin Offense!

The main topic on blogs and talk radio for this version of the Philadelphia Phillies is the lack of offense. They don't hit home runs anymore. They don't play small ball. Other then Polanco, they can't move a runner over. All are legitimate concerns. They are not the 2008 version of the Fightin' Phils. That's for sure. Think about it. The lineup of that team was Rollins, Victorino, Utley, Howard, Burrell, Werth, Feliz, Ruiz, Pitcher. An opposing pitcher didn't get a break till Pedro Feliz was up. They bludgeoned teams with their bats. A typical game was like 10-6, with 3 home runs. As long as they had the lead by the 8th inning the game was over. The 2011 lineup is vastly different. Victorino, Polanco, Rollins, Howard, Ibanez, Francisco, Ruiz, Valdez, Pitcher. After Howard who in this lineup scares opposing pitchers? I know the pulse of Philly sports fans, "The sky is falling!" Wait a minute before you jump off the bandwagon. There is a team that I think is similar to this team that won it all, they won the one division American League by 12 games with 103 wins. I'm talking about the 1968 Detroit Tigers.

The 1968 Detroit Tigers had a team batting average of .247. They had one future Hall of Famer miss two months with a broken arm, Al Kaline. Are the Phils missing a major piece? I can't remember, but they show video of him running every chance they get. They had probably the best catcher of his generation, Bill Freehan. He is probably the best catcher you never heard of, think Thurman Munson without the plane crash. Sorry, he was a stinking Yankee, I couldn't resist. They did hit some home runs, nothing earth shattering. The starting Shortstop was Ray Oyler, he hit .135. He had only 29 hits in 111 games played. Their leading hitter was Willie Horton; he hit .285 with 36 HRs and 85 RBI.  Ryan Howard would have to strikeout 300 times to end up with just 85 RBI's. I know, it could happen, but you can put down 120 RBI's minimum for the 'Big Piece'. It's a safe bet. So how did they win a seven game classic over the St Louis Cardinals with meager offense? Pitching.

 They had Denny 'I didn't Embezzle that money' McClain. He was the last pitcher to win 30 games in a season. He won the AL Cy Young and MVP with a 31-6 record and a 1.96 ERA. They had Mickey Lolich, who threw 3 complete games in the World Series. He was the World Series MVP. As much as I'm a super baseball geek, I didn't recognize many other names on their pitching staff. Earl Wilson? Joe Sparma? Fred Lasher? John Hiller? Anyone? They did it with 2 aces in a 4 man rotation. The Phillies, sorry Joe, have 4 aces in a 5 man rotation. Come playoff time Joe Blanton will be in the bullpen if he's on the playoff roster at all. Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, Hamels, repeat.

So the lack of offense will be frustrating at times this season. Howard will strikeout. Victorino will pop out. Jimmy will swing at the first pitch. Polly..Well, he does everything right at the plate. Valdez will ground into double plays. It will be a grind, but with a staff this good they will still win 100 games. It's a different style then 2008 but it can be just as effective. It's not how you won, it’s how many.

 Keep It Classy Philly!


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Bonus Wriz-amblings!

Another installment just to keep you in the know of the comings and goings of Major League Baseball:

Big news is that there is a good possibility that the playoffs will be expanded to 10 teams which adds one team per league. MLB would still have the lowest percentage of teams make the playoffs from any of the 4 major sports. I guess 162 games aren’t enough to determine the top teams. Reports have 2 scenarios. The players want a 3 game playoff. The owners want a one game “do-or-die” game. Preliminarily, I’m against expanding the playoffs, but the owner’s proposition has some merit.

The new scoreboard is pretty ho-hum if you ask me, but the bobblehead race completely makes it worth the ten mil.

Leake's Mugshot
I have to question Mike Leake’s intelligence. He got caught stealing $10 tees at Macy’s. I’m sure a MLB player could get a few freebies, especially in that price range, with no problem. Besides, he should have known security was going to be hawking him, only chicks shop at Macy’s. Hopefully, his career path will follow Winona Ryder’s who hasn’t a meaningful role in a quality movie since her five-finger discount.

Bug Selig seized control of the Dodgers. I wonder if he’ll try to convince the residents of Los Angeles to pay for a new stadium and then after they do; trade/sell off all the high contracts on the team and cry “small market” team. It is more likely than compelling the Dodger fans to stay through the seventh inning stretch.

I guess the Mets are such a shithole, Selig just doesn’t give a shit.

Ryan Braun is a moron. I know he just signed a $105 million dollar deal, but peep this. That deal doesn’t begin until 2015, In the meantime, the guy is making an average of 9.7 mil over the next 7 years. A far cry from the 18 million Jayson Werth just got. The Hebrew Hammers lowest RBI out put is 97 in his rookie campaign….in just 113 games. Werth’s career HIGH is 99. Anyway, Happy Passover, ya big dummy!

Speaking of holidays, Jason Bay is back from the dead, but unlike Jesus who turned water into wine, Bay couldn’t change the colors on his uniform. Still blue and orange. He’s dumber than Braun.

Josh Hamilton is on the DL. To quote the man himself, “That’s weird.”

CJ Hood was right. Pete Orr has earned himself some more playing time. He has played the OF including 4 starts in Left. I’d say platoon him with Ibanez, but he’s a lefty too. Defensive replacement anyone?

The AL East was supposed to be THE powerhouse division. Only the Yankees are over .500

Think the Twins don’t miss Joe Mauer? They have the fewest wins in ML Baseball. They are tied with the Astros and…surprise surprise! The Mets. They each have seven.

I think her quasi-fame is getting to Pistachio Girl’s head. I swear she started wearing make-up this season.

Housekeeping:  Don’t forget if you have a story, rant or community service to perform we are accepting submissions for our “Spot Starter” column.

See ya at the ball park!

Jay Wrizight

Friday, April 22, 2011


Hoodwink’d    by cj hood
Schwing! (da f’in bats!)

-Dykstra’s in such bad shape Bono wrote a song about him.
-Oswalt threw his back out and Romero threw the game.
-2 things I guarantee this July: DB29’s farmer’s tan & Chooch in the All Star game.
-Dobb’s finally figured out the RBI thing….2 years too late.
-Milwaukee hasn’t been this much of a threat since Arthur Fonzarelli joined the Falcons.
-if Obama shows Trump his birth certificate, he should at least get to tug at Trump’s hair.
-Shhh.....the Phils bats are sleeping. 
-Sam Rothstein’s Ace’s High was more entertaining than our 2 Aces this week.
-Charlie Sheen is to Lenny Dykstra as Roy Halladay is to R.A. Dickey.
-yo hide…it’s ‘Big Perm!’
-how ‘bout those NDA Playoffs (No Defense Allowed).
-I haven't seen ‘polish power’ like Tulowitzki’s since Ivan Putski graced the squared circle.
-it’s actually pronounced Mil-waw-kee.
-domo arigato Mr. Joey Votto….domo, domo.
-Enough with the Utley updates…let me know when he’s playing and batting .333.
-Romero's hurt, but I ain’t even mad yo!
-Dubee dubee doo…
-time to get Orr in the mix!
-back to back losses?  I haven’t been this upset since Kiss took of the makeup (and then put it back on).
-not to be outdone by the Wriz, next week I’m interviewing the ‘happy’ towel I keep under my bed.
-big ups to Prince James for freeing up some airtime on CSN.
-to my Catholic friends, remember today’s really about the slow, horrific, agonizing death of…the Mets.
-Milwaukee is Algonquin for “ass whoopin”
-I told my wife I needed twenty $1 bills for Hatfield Dollar Dog Night…she wasn‘t buying it.
-let Polanco bat clean up!
-Ricky Weaks!
-I should be watching game 1 of the Padres series, but I don’t have TCN.
-I felt bad about the Romero joke after watching Kendrick pitch.
-Shane’s World! Homerun time! Excellent!  (last one….promise.)
-Dykstra couldn’t get a loan from the Bank of Haiti.
-get your hand off the fuckin’ panic-button….let’s get bunted!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Part Deux - The Mid Life Crisis years

The following is the second in a multipart explanation of what it's like to be a Philly fan living on the West Coast. If you missed the first part, you can read it here.

Once the glory of the World Series wore off, it was quickly into Eagles time, another amazing high. Again I was 3000 miles away but beating Dallas anywhere, anytime, anyhow and any way is a plus. But then, those fucking Raiders showed up and the Birds didn't (for the first half) and another big hole in my heart opened. Only good thing about that season is this picture of my son that always makes me smile.

1983! Wowza! It started with a bang. The only NBA season worth mentioning in the 80's ran into baseball season but nobody seemed to mind. Moses, Doc, et all and they dispatched those fucking Lakers four straight. Broom City Baby! After only 4 years at that time I was already sick to death of Magic Johnson crying "I never fouled nobody ref" and we shoved it right up their asses. Ecstasy again and rolling right into baseball season. Yes *ANOTHER* World Series year and I'm 3000 miles away with no hope of scoring tix or seeing a WS game in person. Personal problems aside, the high once again was invigorating and the anticipation was suffocating. Twasn't to be though and the Phils went down 4 games to 1. All games were close except the finale. No matter, the pain practically tore me in half. And Rick Dempsey was the MVP of The Series.... I mean, seriously, WTF is wrong with that picture? That in itself was worse than either the Von Hayes or Eric Lindros 5-for-1 debacles Philly fans had to endure. I thought my life couldn't get any worse until...

1984. A personal down year, author of my first divorce. Ugh. 3000 miles from home, 3 kids under age 6, and no hope on the sports horizon. Who here understands? Can I get an AMEN? I stick it out in Cali, even after my ex leaves for Scottsdale with the kids in June of 85. I did love Santa Barbara but was not destined to be as I couldn’t stay much longer. During my Cali years, I managed to get to Dodger Stadium twice, naturally to see the Phils. But 4 games in 8 years does not make for a happy Phillie fan, I don't care who you are. I hated going to L.A. but sacrificed for them.

Then we get to 1986, after being badgered by my ex-wife with 3AM phone calls, I transfer to the Phoenix area which  I now call home. Some sanity right?  BONG... WRONG. So I no longer drive 500 miles to see my kids every 6 weeks. Instead I get them every weekend. Most would be happy right? Well after being raped for child support, I could only afford a studio apt lol. But we huddled together and made it work and had a ton of fun. Managed to take my son to a couple Suns games, he was happy. Life moves on and a few years later, I got married again. Now with step children we have a house full, and I couldn't manage to make any of them a Philly fan. Take my word for it, frustrating as hell. I added my 3rd daughter in 1991, complete cutie pie, but no sports freak. Am I doomed?

1993! Praise be to Big G, another World Series year! And this time I am only 2500 miles away and drowning in little kids lmao. No matter, they all knew not to bother me during *ANY* Philly game unless someone was bleeding. Don't fucking laugh, it happened more times than I care to admit. Anyways I was ecstatic and full of hope. Once again... DESPAIR. The entire Series was hosed. Phils should have won that 6 games to none, but Wild Thing proceeded to blow 4 straight saves. That has to be a record. Don't get me wrong, I love Mitch just like the entire city of Philadelphia still does now. Nobody felt worse than he did. Christ, he had 44 saves that year. But apparently it wasn't meant to be. So I'll end this piece by saying fuck Joe Carter, may you never enter the Hall until after Pete does. Fuck the AL, the DH, and all Canadian pro sports teams that play in "American" pro leagues, hockey notwithstanding. That World Series pretty much parallels my life and luck, but I digress. I think this part should end here, because the next one has a heavy dose of Dallas in it, and that dose deserves it's very own ripping of a new asshole. So I say goodnight Gracie to Part Deux.

                                                To Be Continued… 

Bill Scardefield, AKA netfather

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Rally Time!

Being a lowly blogger, its not often you can sit down and talk with the movers and shakers of the Phillies universe, but the Wriz snatched an interview with probably the most famous mover and shaker of them all. Only, she isn’t the one doing the moving and shaking. The fans are. It’s, of course, the one and only, Rally Towel!

Jay Wrizight: Is it Mr or Mrs Towel?

Rally Towel:  It’s Mrs. – thanks for asking.  I was mistaken for a “young man” by some of the TV announcers last year, but they’ve since retracted that statement.    

JW: How long have you been a fan of the Phillies?

RT:  I’m a native Philadelphian so being a fan is in my very fiber.  But my phandom hit a new high when I came out of the closet as Rally Towel in October ’09. 

JW: What is your best and worst moments as a Phillies fan? 

RT:  Well, I suppose my best moment(s) would be the same as lots of other fans: games 5A and B of the 08 World Series.  Truly unforgettable.  Worst moment?  When Harry died (yesterday was the anniversary – gotta plan another visit to his gravesite soon).

JW: What is your favorite thing about the Phillies?

RT:   I like that they’re truly a team – we don’t have any A-Rods or Jeters – they seem to understand and appreciate that without each other they’re just ball players – together, they’re THE PHILLIES.  And I credit Charlie for instilling that in them.

JW: Your favorite aspect of Citizens Bank Park?

RT:   I love Ashburn Alley and the S.R.O. crowd – it’s always a party out there – lots of passion for their team and fondness for a certain Towel.  Oh, and the CBP employees are terrific!

JW: How and when did you come up with the idea for Rally Towel?

RT:  Well, in addition to being a Phillies fan, I’m also a big fan of Halloween – my favorite holiday.  So in October 2009 when we were headed to another World Series, I just HAD to make a Phillies-related costume…and I had an epiPhany….I could TOTALLY be a RALLY TOWEL!  Fits my personality….quiet and unassuming, just “hangin’ around” minding my own business, but if we’re down a few runs late in the game, LOOK OUT!!!  The rest, as they say, is history!

JW: Are you machine washable?  Tumble dry low?

RT:  Yes, and Yes!!  My business cards say “Huge 100% cotton Phillies fan, and the league’s only machine-washable mascot!”

JW: Is it especially hot in the summer?

RT:  Yes, I don’t do well in the summer swelter.  I really prefer fall ball – after all, the Phillies are Phabulous in the Phall!

JW: Ever had someone try to use you inappropriately? You know to wipe the sweat from their brow and such?

RT:  I had a rather large, rather inebriated fan literally pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and then spin around.  I appreciate the passion, but I have my limits.

JW: I read somewhere your son wants to be a bed spread when he grows up. Are you OK with that?

RT:  Actually, my son IS grown up (he’s 30) and a “swatch off the old towel,” and according to Mike on Good Day Philadelphia, my husband is a bath mat….So we’re clearly a tightly woven family. 

JW: I’m sure you’ve had some interesting experiences as Rally Towel. Please share one or two.

RT:  Well, it was fun to hang out with Shane last year at Pennridge High School – he was talking to the kids about not texting and driving, and Good Day invited me to come along.  A great guy, and an important message (He autographed the heart on my jersey). Another high point was my visit to Bright House Field for Spring Training this year – the fans were really happy to see me, and I love the atmosphere there – I just soaked it all in.  A tad warm for my liking, but well worth it.

JW:  Any truth to the rumor you have been offered endorsement deals by Tide, Rally’s or Converse?

RT:  I turned them all down… I’m strictly a PHILanthropic towel.  And besides, I use Head and Shoulders – controls the lint.

JW: unwanted in mid-may? When your (family/children/friends) are not being handed out to the incoming crowds at CBP?

RT:  The kids need a rest.  They have fun playing hide and seek in the linen closet, or soaking in the tub, and hanging around the yard.  Then they’re well rested when September rolls around.  A quick fluff in the dryer and they’re ready for action!

JW: When they are being whipped into a frenzy by the Phillies Phaithful and there is lint spraying everywhere does it hurt?

 RT: No pain, no gain my friend!  It’s all in a day’s (or night’s) work for a Rally Towel! 

JW: Speaking of hurting, many people like to claim the bleed their teams colors, but how do you prevent it from happening to you?

RT:  I’m genetically engineered to be colorfast – no worries.

JW: What is your ultimate goal as Rally Towel?

RT:   Last season, I really wanted to meet the Phanatic and dance on the dugout, and I did.  They played “Tonight’s Gonna be a Good Night” and it was!  Now I’m focused on helping to raise money for various charities.  And if, by chance, I get to walk down Broad Street in the 2011 World Series Parade, that would be just fine by me J. 

JW: Would you ever want to replace the Phillie Phanatic as the Phillies mascot?

RT:  A very emPHATic NO! – He’s the best mascot in all of sport.  He’s one of a kind, and I’d like to get to know him better.  If only I weren’t married….(don’t print that J) 

JW: I’m not sure if you know this but I loathe the Phanatic. I could put the Phillies Bunts Army behind you in an effort to overthrow the green freak. Cool?

RT:  Sorry JW, but in that war, I’d be on HIS SIDE!!

JW To say I'm disappointed is a gross understatement, but i won't let it be a wet blanket on our friendship. I’d like to thank you for your time. When can we expect to see you down at the ballpark?

RT:  You’ll see me at CBP in September.  But in the meantime, I’m taking a bus full of phans to PNC Park in Pittsburgh for the game and fireworks on June 4th.  There’s still room if you or any of your readers want to join us!! 

JW: Well, see ya at the ballpark ….in September!

If you’d like to hang out with Rally Towel on the trip to see the Phils smash the Pirates, drop her an email or if you’d like to hit up the Wriz

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tacos, Hot Dogs and Joe with the Fat ERA

Happy Tuesday Bunters!

I think its pretty safe to say that the 2011 MLB season is off to a good start for the Phils. Since we last met, Roy Halladay clocked in another complete game with one intense performance against Jayson Werth and the Washington Nationals. Cliff Lee delivered a beaut the following night by shutting out the Nats and only allowing three hits, one walk and 12 K’s. Things looked a little less spectacular on opening night of the Phillies/Marlins series at CBP on Friday night, falling 4-3 to the Marlins with Roy Oswalt leaving the game early with back spasms. Hamels took to the mound on Sunday, a day after his scheduled start against the Marlins because of a postponed due to rain game and went 7 innings, allowing only two runs. The Phils would end up winning 3-2, with Madson earning the win.

As I sit down to bang this out for you, our phaithful readers, the 10-4 Fightins are preparing to start a homestand against the 7-8 Milwaukee Brewers… with Big Joe on the mound tonight. As my friend Kornhole said to me earlier, it may not be the best night for Blanton to start; it IS dollar dog night after all (ok, ok… no more weight jokes Joe! I’m sorry).

Whatever your moniker of choice is for the undoubtedly talent ridden Phillies pitching rotation is, unless its “Big Joe and the Terror Squad”, odds are you aren’t including Blanton. I thought working alongside Halladay/Lee/Oswalt/Hamels would help Joe to become a more focused, disciplined player; Starting out tonight with an ERA of 10.45 is not exactly the way I thought Blanton would start the season. From what I’m gathering, I don’t think many fans thought this would be the case either.
But it’s almost painful to watch what could easily be another teams 2 or 3 starter getting shelled over and over. … OK, it’s ridiculously painful. Whatever the problem is (or whatever problem he wants to blame it on) Blanton, the terror squad - er, I mean,  R2C2, or maybe I simply mean his teammates – and Rich Dubee need to address it, correct it and forget about it… its still early enough in the season. And I am hoping that this will have happened by the time you are reading this, friends.

Let me know what you think! Email and comments are always appreciated. Except when asking for nude pics, jerks. That’s NOT gonna happen… unless you have Jayson Werth money to spend… Juuuuuuuuust kidding!!!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Tribute to #42

Welcome to another chapter inside the rectum of Kornhole’s Alley.


APRIL 15TH Every player in baseball wears #42
 I totally forgot everyone celebrates "DON CARMAN DAY" every year. Thanks to my main man Chris Walker this all important day would have blown right by me. How can we not be honored by the man who had an astonishing 12 hits and a .057 batting average over the course of his career. This guy was no joke and I don’t blame anyone for honoring this amazing hitter. Not only could Don hit but his slugging percentage was a whopping .057 so it makes total sense that we would celebrate this legendary hitter.

Hello Little Boys and welcome to Father Rogers church. Today we will discuss my favorite past-time… Baseball on Palm/Easter Sunday. There is something about taking my favorite Altar Boys each year to the game on Palm Sunday. This year we went to the Phillies/Marlins game.
Little Ricky was a good boy on this day as we watched Cole Hamels pitch seven strong innings. Little Ricky was bummed that Dollar Dog Night was the next night but Father Rogers covered his crotch with his robe and made it Free Weiner night for Little Ricky.
The Philies are my favorite team and I enjoy bringing little Ricky to the game so he can enjoy some fine wood… connecting with balls.
The Phils high-powered offense is amazing. Ryan Howard knows how to swing the bat. J-Roll is the leader and the Bat Boy he is yummy. This team has averaged 3 runs a game this week for a reason. The Bat Boy!
Next week is Easter Sunday . The Phillies will play the Padres in San Diego. I will bring little Mikey this time. Mikey enjoys watching the domination of the two Roys just like all of you. He also likes playing a game with me. The game usually has a count of no stikes, and always two balls… in the face.
Thanks for letting me take the time out to discuss how we Priests watch baseball games with our altar boys now back to Kornhole.

Kornhole's Response
I am highly offended and unlike the church I will not defend Father Rogers.

What’s a honky gotta do to get a comment?
I find it fascinating that I get no comments each week. I guess if I kiss the Phillies ass more maybe I’ll get some people to actually post something. So, here we go.
The Phillies can do no wrong. Nobody will beat them. I am the greatest female fan ever because I said I am. I am a chick who likes Diamonds that writes lists about Wriz. Can I get a comment? Geesh!

Do we really want Lidge/Utley back?

Chase is running the bases. Lidge starts throwing in two weeks. The good news keeps a coming. Not! Last year I may have been excited. This year! Not so sure! The Phils have too many lefties in the lineup as it is. They’re playing small ball. They’re not worried about adopting animals or dudes with cool beards banging player wives.
I know Utley is god to some of you folk but I think he may be Eric Lindros 2011. This team is beating such high powered teams like the Nats and Marlins. That’s a tough task. The Nats are perennial winners.
Wilson Valdez had a glove named after him. Enough said.

This week in Phillies Future

This is not going to be a pretty night in Philadelphia. First, many fine folk bought tickets to see Halladay pitch now they get Blanton. Second, it’s going to be a long night. Fat Joe is gonna be stuffing his face with wieners all night it’s going to cause a gas build up and odds are he won’t pitch a fast game. I’m also under the impression that he will not keep his head in the game instead it’ll be focused on some dude Dick Johnson selling those Dollar Wieners. I feel if the Phils bats don’t come to life this will be worse than a Japanese earthquake. Too soon?! Ok, fine. A Haitian one!

Looking into my obnoxiously small two crystal test… err… balls I see a promising week for the Phils. I think the Phils go out west and dominate (I want comments). The only game they lose is on Dollar Dog Night. You know why. Don’t be mad at me. Be angry with Mother Nature canceling Saturday’s game.
Thanks for stopping by this week and checking out my thoughts. I’d like to congratulate Don Carman for having his own day. And, special thanks to Father Rogers for sharing his "Father-Son Baseball moments". As gross as they are. I’d say leave a comment but either you don’t know how too or just don’t care enough to do so.

You can also e-mail me at Have a great Easter, apparently our Priests will. GO Phils!